You know, many people ask me to explain how to be a Christian. Well, not many people. Maybe, like, three or four. It’s hard to count them because they’re invisible. But whenever some lost soul begs me to point the way toward the light of God’s love, I always take time out of my busy schedule and say to them, “Of course. That’ll be twenty-five dollars.” A man’s gotta eat.
There are many misconceptions about the experience of Christian faith. Even an honest seeker can lose his way and begin to believe that Christianity is just a matter of establishing a relationship with a loving God who sacrificed his own son to win forgiveness for his sinful creation and wants nothing more from you but that you turn from your destructive desires and live into His image to find peace and joy and eternal life. But that’s absurd. It’s difficult and you miss all the fun.
Instead, you must turn your eyes to the Lord’s eternal dwelling place: social media. There, you’ll find to your delight that the moment you accept Christ into your heart, you instantly receive the power to tell other people that they’re doing it wrong. When Jesus said, “Judge not, lest ye be judged,” he didn’t mean, “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” He meant, “Hey, tell that stupid schmuck over there I am sending him to hell if he doesn’t shut his fat face right now.” Of course, those of you who are only just starting on your Christian journey, might wonder, “Why did our savior say the exact opposite of what he meant?” But as you grow in social media faith, you’ll understand: it’s because our blessed Lord was a Jew, and you just can’t trust those people.
Also, when you become a Christian, you’ll develop the ability to see things no one else can see, almost as if you were a prophet or a schizophrenic or a CNN anchorwoman. To explore this ability, social-media-Christian Tucker Carlson recently interviewed an exorcist, Father Brendan O’Paguey.
Here’s a brief portion of the transcript:
Father O: In order to cast out demons, you must first be able to discern the presence of evil.
Tucker: Your mother has sex with animals in hell. Look, my head spins 360 degrees. Fall down and worship me.
Father O: You must learn to look for small, subtle signs of demonic influence.
Tucker: Behold, I levitate and spider walk across the ceiling. I am legion. Abandon the Holy One and despair.
Father O: Next, you must learn to speak Syriac …
Well, the full interview is available online, but you get the idea.
But religion isn’t all fun and games. Sometimes you have to make an effort. For instance, to be a good Christian, it’s essential that you marshal your will power to overcome your sense of humor. Knowing Christ can make your heart light with celestial joy and cause you to laugh even amidst the corruption of a fallen world. You don’t want that. Non-Christians might see it and start to join in. Then we’d have to live with them forever in heaven, and I hate those people.
Fortunately, once you’ve stripped yourself of any propensity for laughter, all self-awareness will also melt away and you’ll at last be prepared for the pious act of pretending to believe absolute nonsense in the name of God. For example, when the Bible says “Do not mistreat the immigrant among you,” you can pretend that means, “Allow 20-million illegal crap-heads to exploit your tolerance, sack your coffers, and rape and murder your women.” Or you can pretend that when Jesus says, “Love your neighbor,” he means “Sexually mutilate your children so they can delight in being the gender of their choice right up until the moment they commit suicide.” And okay, pretending to believe such things may not win sinners eternal life, but it could get professors tenure, which is almost the same thing.
Now some of you may be asking yourself, “Gee, where in the Bible does it say Christ’s titanic liberating sacrifice is supposed to turn us into humorless, pious scolds who pretend to believe complete nonsense?” But it’s right there in John 11:35, where it says: “Jesus wept.”
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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan.
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