{"id":6088,"date":"2026-04-10T19:16:56","date_gmt":"2026-04-10T19:16:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/conservative-politics.com\/index.php\/2026\/04\/10\/when-people-ask-me-how-to-be-a-christian-online-heres-what-i-say\/"},"modified":"2026-04-10T19:16:56","modified_gmt":"2026-04-10T19:16:56","slug":"when-people-ask-me-how-to-be-a-christian-online-heres-what-i-say","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/conservative-politics.com\/index.php\/2026\/04\/10\/when-people-ask-me-how-to-be-a-christian-online-heres-what-i-say\/","title":{"rendered":"When People Ask Me How To Be A Christian Online, Here\u2019s What I Say"},"content":{"rendered":"
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You know, many people ask me to explain how to be a Christian. Well, not many people. Maybe, like, three or four. It\u2019s hard to count them because they\u2019re invisible. But whenever some lost soul begs me to point the way toward the light of God\u2019s love, I always take time out of my busy schedule and say to them, \u201cOf course. That\u2019ll be twenty-five dollars.\u201d A man\u2019s gotta eat.<\/span><\/p>\n

There are many misconceptions about the experience of Christian faith. Even an honest seeker can lose his way and begin to believe that Christianity is just a matter of establishing a relationship with a loving God who sacrificed his own son to win forgiveness for his sinful creation and wants nothing more from you but that you turn from your destructive desires and live into His image to find peace and joy and eternal life. But that\u2019s absurd. It\u2019s difficult and you miss all the fun.<\/span><\/p>\n

Instead, you must turn your eyes to the Lord\u2019s eternal dwelling place: social media. There, you\u2019ll find to your delight that the moment you accept Christ into your heart, you instantly receive the power to tell other people that they\u2019re doing it wrong. When Jesus said, \u201cJudge not, lest ye be judged,\u201d he didn\u2019t mean, \u201cJudge not, lest ye be judged.\u201d He meant, \u201cHey, tell that stupid schmuck over there I am sending him to hell if he doesn\u2019t shut his fat face right now.\u201d Of course, those of you who are only just starting on your Christian journey, might wonder, \u201cWhy did our savior say the exact opposite of what he meant?\u201d But as you grow in social media faith, you\u2019ll understand: it\u2019s because our blessed Lord was a Jew, and you just can\u2019t trust those people.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Also, when you become a Christian, you\u2019ll develop the ability to see things no one else can see, almost as if you were a prophet or a schizophrenic or a CNN anchorwoman. To explore this ability, social-media-Christian Tucker Carlson recently interviewed an exorcist, Father Brendan O\u2019Paguey. <\/span><\/p>\n

Here\u2019s a brief portion of the transcript:<\/span><\/p>\n

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Father O: In order to cast out demons, you must first be able to discern the presence of evil.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Tucker: Your mother has sex with animals in hell. Look, my head spins 360 degrees. Fall down and worship me.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Father O: You must learn to look for small, subtle signs of demonic influence.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Tucker: Behold, I levitate and spider walk across the ceiling. I am legion. Abandon the Holy One and despair.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Father O: Next, you must learn to speak Syriac \u2026<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Well, the full interview is available online, but you get the idea.<\/span><\/p>\n

But religion isn\u2019t all fun and games. Sometimes you have to make an effort. For instance, to be a good Christian, it\u2019s essential that you marshal your will power to overcome your sense of humor. Knowing Christ can make your heart light with celestial joy and cause you to laugh even amidst the corruption of a fallen world. You don\u2019t want that. Non-Christians might see it and start to join in. Then we\u2019d have to live with them forever in heaven, and I hate those people.<\/span><\/p>\n

Fortunately, once you\u2019ve stripped yourself of any propensity for laughter, all self-awareness will also melt away and you\u2019ll at last be prepared for the pious act of pretending to believe absolute nonsense in the name of God. For example, when the Bible says \u201cDo not mistreat the immigrant among you,\u201d you can pretend that means, \u201cAllow 20-million illegal crap-heads to exploit your tolerance, sack your coffers, and rape and murder your women.\u201d Or you can pretend that when Jesus says, \u201cLove your neighbor,\u201d he means \u201cSexually mutilate your children so they can delight in being the gender of their choice right up until the moment they commit suicide.\u201d And okay, pretending to believe such things may not win sinners eternal life, but it could get professors tenure, which is almost the same thing.<\/span><\/p>\n

Now some of you may be asking yourself, \u201cGee, where in the Bible does it say Christ\u2019s titanic liberating sacrifice is supposed to turn us into humorless, pious scolds who pretend to believe complete nonsense?\u201d But it\u2019s right there in John 11:35, where it says: \u201cJesus wept.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of \u201cThe Andrew Klavan Show<\/a>.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Andrew Klavan is the host of \u201cThe Andrew Klavan Show\u201d at The Daily Wire.\u00a0Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment,\u00a0After That, The Dark,<\/a><\/strong>\u00a0is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X:\u00a0@andrewklavan<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\"DailyWire<\/p>\n

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